Need Wood


Hey Woody!

I’m not sure how it happened but a few of my friends ended up sleeping with this guy that just moved into town.  But I was the one who ended up dating him.  Well, one day we’re in the hot tub with a bunch of my friends and he realizes he’s slept with every one of them.  Later, he told me he felt used.  “Is this the way this town operates?” he asked me.  “Pass the new guy around?”

He accuses me of being part of this “lazy Susan” conspiracy and he breaks up with me.

A few weeks later I found out this hypocrite did a couple of p-rn films!  Woody, why are men such hypocrites about their sex lives?

This guy was the pivot man in gang-f–k videos and he gets all indignant that he’s being “passed around?”  Please!  What am I missing?

–  I’ll take a pass on him

Dear Pass:

I love it.  A pious p-rn star.  That’s a new one, even for me.

Listen, nobody gets “passed around” unless they want to be passed around.  There are no victims in gay sex, only volunteers.

Gay men have the chance to redefine the way we relate to each other but instead we cop the same double-standard, hypocritical stand straight men take.

We’re no better than the Rush Limbaughs and Newt Gingriches –the guys who blather about the sanctity of marriage even though they’ve all been divorced twice and are on sanctity #3.

Well, okay we’re better than them but only because we don’t use the stink of our hypocrisy to shape public policy.

The premise behind your friends’ reaction is that the only way to be perceived as a decent guy is to have “meaningful” sex with someone “special.”


Throughout time the greatest men, the men who showed the most courage, the most character, the ones we most admire for what they accomplished, were, well, WH-RES.

Martin Luther King, Jr., John F. Kennedy, you name the man and I’ll point to the vagina factories they plundered during their reign.

That applies to gay heroes too.  Like Harvey Milk.  It’s a well-known fact he wormed his way into more a–es than Preparation H.  So don’t give me that crap that character is in direct proportion to the number of sexual partners.

The level of your sexual activity says nothing about your character.  There are good for nothing wh-res and good for everybody wh-res.

Hey Woody!

My partner was f–king me really hard and his d–k slipped out right before he was going to ram me.  He ended up jamming it into my perineum instead.

He screamed in pain and we haven’t f–ked since. He’s blaming it on me, saying he’s afraid I might “break his penis.”  WTF?

–  D–k Breaker

Dear D–k:

A penis can’t break in the normal sense of the word because there is no bone in it.

What *can* happen, though, is for one of the three tubes that hold the blood of an erection to break.

Your problem sounds more like a trust issue than a medical one.  Talk to him about it and be everything I’m not:  kind, patient and sensitive.  Have gentle oral and manual sex and work your way up to the slash-and-burn f–king.