Need Wood Advice Collumn

Need Wood Advice ColumnHey Woody!

Are some people’s butts just built differently than others?  I mean on the inside.  My boyfriends and I both enjoy playing bottom, but he could swallow dining room furniture with so much as a hit of poppers, and I struggle with the basic big d–k.  It makes me jealous that he can take so much more than me, and I think he must have some physical advantage up there.  Is there anything I can do to take on more cargo?

—   Tighta–

Dear Tighta–:

Yes, people have different butts.  I myself have three different butts.  Scheduled this week.

Seriously, your boyfriend isn’t that unusual.  Lots of guys have black holes so dense even light can’t escape their gravitational pull.  I have a friend whose motto is “If it didn’t fit, it wasn’t my hole.”

The rectum is not a straight tube.  The pubo-rectal sling pulls the rectum in an “S” curve.  The more pronounced the “S” curve the more pain you’ll experience with larger objects.  Your boyfriend probably has little “S” in his a– and that’s why he can take everything from A to Z in it.

So how do you match your boyfriend’s cavernous welcomes?  Practice.

Here’s how:  Stick a joy toy past the anus into the rectum.  Always aim for your belly button.  After a few inches it’ll most likely start to hurt.  You’ve hit the curve.  Pull it back a smidge then move your aim up towards the head and slide it back in slowly.

Did I mention SLOWLY?  Remember, a fraction of an inch feels like a foot in your a–.

Because of the rectum’s “S” curve, it’s important to use a flexible dildo.  As you relax more, the pubo-rectal sling elongates, lessening the curve.

Eventually, the rectum takes a left turn into the sigmoid colon.  If you go that far pack a lunch because you ain’t coming back.

Hey Woody!

I’m a middle-aged physician who is not good at meeting fellow gay guys.  I have two first class tickets on Qantas to go to Gay Pride in Sydney this year, then tour Australia.  I would like to share this trip with a young gay guy or student for companionship (yes, sex too) at no cost to him.  How do you suggest I find someone?  Do you consider this prostitution?

–  I make Housecalls

Dear Housecalls:

Do I consider it prostitution?

Is a pig’s a– pork?   Of course it’s prostitution!

The best kind, too.

No exploitation, no moral messiness, just a time-tested barter.  You fly him around the world; he bl-ws you around the world.  Sounds like heaven to me.

I’d advertise or check out some of the massage ads in this paper.  If any of them take your breath away enough to make the oxygen masks automatically fall from your passenger cabin, then offer them the trip.

One thing I’d do, though, is spend some time with them to make sure you’re compatible.  I mean, what happens if they give good head but you can’t stand to be around them?

I mean, that’s not a vacation; that’s a marriage.